Diary of a Fat Mom, Skinny Mom

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!!!

You know my love of politics is right up there with being eaten alive by a polar bear but I finally feel like Ann Romney and I have something in common.

My last post about my love of Facebook kind of backfired in a weird way, so I feel it necessary to clarify myself so that I don’t have anyone hate me. (I really don’t feel that way; I just think it sounds better than what I really wanted to say) Here is part of an email that I received:

“You really have it good you know? You make it sound like that being a stay at home mom is so hard, why don’t you try and work 40 hours a week, have no husband and raise 2 kids by yourself?” Then it was followed up by “I fully respect your views and opinions though.”

I looked up the definition of a mother in the dictionary: Here it is

a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

I don’t really think that you can define a mother by if they work outside the home or not, If you have children, you are a mother right?

I know many mothers who HAVE to work outside the home to help contribute to the needs of their family.

I know many mothers who choose to work outside the home, not because they have to but because they want to.

I know many mothers who choose to not work outside the home and have their spouse or significant other (how’s that for politically correct?) work 1, 2 or 3 jobs.

I know some mothers who are single parents who have to work 1 or more jobs outside the home to make ends meet.

I know mothers that I think are wonderful people and I know mothers that I think are wacked out and should be admitted pronto!

I don’t think that one situation has it better off than another. Your challenges that you may face may be hard and difficult in their own way and may or may not be the same challenges that I face but nonetheless my challenges shouldn’t be looked down upon because I have different circumstances than you do.

Up until a few years ago, I worked outside the home.  I worked a graveyard shift and it sucked! I was a walking zombie half the time, I couldn’t remember what I was doing from one minute to the next, I was functioning on less than 4 hours of sleep each night, I was pretty much useless to my kids that I was staying home during the day to take care of, so we made the choice to downsize in our needs and wants and to have the husband work another job. It isn’t easy and by no means do I enjoy being alone all day and most nights, but it is what we do and what is best for our needs.

I think that I have beaten this subject to death! So I am done. Happy mothering to you all and on a happier note, my 4 year old son who thinks he is a girl drew a picture of me this morning. I have 3 boobs and 2 penises. Take that all you haters!

I heart Facebook!

Over the past few months I have noticed more and more people, mostly mothers talking about how guilty they feel for spending time on Facebook, Pintrest, reading blogs, twitter and any other social media outlets.

My husband works 3 jobs. He is up at 5:00 every morning and isn’t done  from working until sometimes around 10:00 pm. Some of the work he does he doesn’t consider it work, more of a passion but however you look at it, he is not with his family. I am in charge of all the housework, the laundry, taking kids to and from sporting events, piano lessons, play dates, feeding them dinner, making sure homework is done, doctors appointments, getting them showered and prepared for the next day, enforcing the kids chores, setting and carrying out the punishments when they disobey, etc.. I think you get the picture. I am a mom!

I consider what I do a job, I work really hard. There are many times throughout the week when I stop and cry because I think I suck at my job. I don’t get any raises, I don’t get taken out to lunch from my boss to tell me what a great job I am doing on a project, I don’t get any paid sick days or vacation days, I don’t get to take a breather from work because I am stressed and go golfing with my buddies on my lunch break, I don’t get to decide half way through my day that I have had enough and leave for the day. I think you get the picture. I am a mom!

Here is my confession for the day: I love Facebook! I love being connected with people. Some of the people who are my friends on Facbook, I have never met in real life. Some are my own family members that I have never met. I LOVE IT!!! I like to hear what people are doing, what their kids are doing, I enjoy hearing who is fighting with who and who is mad at their best friends uncles brother in law’s father because he didn’t show up to their birthday party. I love reading and hearing about all the great things that are going on in people’s lives and I feel like I am sharing a part of their joy by commenting or “liking” their post, however I am human, I get jealous when people post that they are going on their 6^th cruise for the year and I haven’t been on one! I get sad when I hear that my kids get left out of events and parties that I think that they should have been invited to, there are times that I want to reach through the computer and strangle people who say stupid things and have different opinions then I do, but to each their own and I will just “hide” them or remove them if I can’t stand it.

I don’t watch very much TV during the week but on Sunday, that is MY day and you had better not even think of ruining it. I sit down from 7:00 pm to 11:00 pm every Sunday and watch my trashy reality shows! I make no apologies for this. One of them, I let the family in to watch it with me. We pop popcorn, discuss the events of the show (but only on the commercials) and we bond! Then after that show is over, I tell them to get the hell out of the room and to not bother me the rest of the night. If you do something long enough, it becomes habit! My kids have been thoroughly trained. Do I feel guilty about this? Surely not!!!!

I love to read blogs, comment on them, email the person and tell them how much I enjoy their humor or their perspective on things. I have completed every level of Angry birds and I am now going back to make sure that I get 3 stars on all the levels now. All in all… I spend about 2 hours of my day on social media. 5 minutes here, 20 minutes there. My phone lets me know if I have an email, if I feel it is important to stop what I am doing to answer it, I will. My phone lets me know if I have a message on Facebook, if I feel so inclined to do something about it right then, I will!

I am a people person, I like to be around people, I like to hang out with my girlfriends, I like it when people just stop at my house unannounced just to say hi or to drop something off, I like to have play dates with my kids friends so I can hang out with the parents. If it is the first time meeting you, I guarantee that we will be best friends within a month.

I think that it is healthy to have “Callee” time, even if it means not spending every waking hour next to my children. I don’t need to be around them every second of the day and I can assure you that they don’t want me around them every second of the day. I think that it makes me a better homemaker, mother and wife when I have my outlets. I think that I am a better person because I have lots and lots of friends and not just one really super de duper good friend. I think that my mind is refreshed and I am rejuvenated when I get to spend time away from my family. I am capable of making good choices of when it is okay for me to browse through Pintrest for 20 minutes and dream of all the yummy food that I could make or how I could decorate my house with throw pillows and vinyl. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

My kids are my priority and they know it. I would never put anything before them or their needs, unless if falls on a Sunday between the hours of 7:00 pm  to 11:00 pm. They just know that they can’t get hurt or be needy at this time. My kids know I love them, I show it to them every day. I do little things for them throughout the day to let them know that I love them and how special they are to me

As I sit here and write this, my 4 year old watching despicable me for the 2^nd time today, eating goldfish crackers and apple slices and drinking a McDonalds root beer while sitting in his monkey chair,  oh and so I don’t forget, that is what we like to call lunch around this house!

So to all you mothers out there, open back up your Pintrest account, find some trashy shows to watch on TV,  call me sometime and let’s go to the mall without our children and if we aren’t friends already on Facebook, we should be!!!

Moo!

Are you bored in your marriage and need to spice things up? Are you broke and don’t have any money?  If you answered yes, please play the following game with your spouse. You will just need a few items, most of which you will have right in your own house and you won’t need to spend a penny on anything except for the doctor bills when it’s all over. Here is what you will need:

• Yourself
• Your Spouse
• 2 pictures of yourself from 10 years ago
• A highly offensive attitude

Here is what you do. You sit across from each other at the table, you hold up a picture of yourself from earlier years and you say to your loving spouse “Say the first thing that comes to your mind when you see this picture.”

You then hold up the picture and they will blurt something out. If the answer has anything to do with the sound that any of these 2 animals make……

Then the game is over! And you have some options, you can either get another picture and try for a different reaction, you can walk away slowly and go cry in your room or you can flip the table over on him and stone him! I’m sure you already know the option that I chose!

Lance.. Just remember that I have this picture and I will post it if you make me mad!

Year End Review!

Picture this: I’m folding laundry or chucking it  into drawers to look like I did laundry, Sagan is playing quietly in his room  and all the sudden, he starts screaming and yelling “it hurts, it hurts”, I yell into his room to keep it down and get over it, but the yelling turns into crying and I decide it might be time to pay attention to the  kid. He is  screaming at me to take his pants off because “it” hurts, I look around to see if something bit him or if he had a cut on his leg, then just like Sybil, he switches into another personality and gets in my face and yells in a very deep voice “my penis hurts.”

CRAP…. scratch it, or move it around or do something, I don’t know what to tell you, he is hysterically crying that it is hurting so I called my babies daddy at work and he conveniently had someone at his desk and couldn’t talk about penis’ at that time. So I did what I normally do when I ask Lance a question and he ignores me, I turned to the internet and Googled  “my 3 year olds penis hurts, what do I do”? Then it hit me… I haven’t written my year-end Christmas letter yet.

Here are a few things that are monumental and need to be shared about 2011

See this picture?

I experienced this, except I was the horse!

I ran, walked, crawled my first 10K  Mud Run . So proud of myself! When I told a certain someone that I was thinking of doing that, their first response was ” you might want to start off with a light jog around the fat farm first before you do this.” Well guess what Jerk face, if you tell me I can’t do something, I am going to do it! The awesome girls that I did it with had to pull me out of the mud a few times, but it was all worth it, right girls? It was for a great cause and to help out an awesome childhood friend!

Thanks Team Fathead for helping me accomplish one of my goals.

One thing that I need to work on is holding back my feelings. I need to stop and think before I speak but nothing gets my blood boiling more than messing with this girl and her fries! I wrote a letter to McDonald’s  to let them know how disappointed I was with the new size of fries in the kids meals. I gave them an ultimatum and threatened that I would only eat there 5 days a week instead of 6 if they didn’t change it back, I was pretty proud of myself for taking a stand against something that I strongly believed in.  A week later, I received a nice note and a gift card from McDonald’s…come on kids, get in the car.. we are having McDonald’s for dinner tonight and NO you can’t play on the play-land, you’ll get Hepatitis B!”

As you can clearly see, Sagan is very disappointed with the new change!

This year I was able to bid farewell to my boyfriend. I was on the computer the second the tickets went on sale and only panicked twice when I couldn’t get the seats that I wanted. I made my countdown chain and  since I don’t scream very much, I practiced up on that so I could be noticed at the concert.  The night was perfect.   I danced on the seats of Kingsbury Hall for 2 hours straight screaming like a maniac and didn’t give a care in the world what anyone thought of me. I sang every song out loud and with pride! Speaking of pride, there was a lot of pride there! wink wink… I love you Andy and Vince, just in case you couldn’t hear me screaming that to you while you were serenading me  with ‘Oh Lamour’.

Andy, please don’t die on me. I need you!

2011 was awesome because I finally accepted the fact that I am NOT adopted. I always felt different growing up. My brother and sister weren’t running away every other day and telling our parents that they hated them and slamming doors and stealing the car and sneaking out with boy/girl friends and telling lies to cover up skipping school and flipping the bird at anyone who ticked them off and … well, you get the just of it right? I was different and begged my mom to just tell me that I really wasn’t her child. She never caved. Hats off to you mom for raising a hellion like me to be such a wonderful person. I am ready to drop the Middle Child Syndrome and move on!

I am pleased to say that Mason moved on to the 4th grade with flying colors. He is taking up the ukulele and I his mother will be taking lessons with him. Guess who the teacher is? Yours truly.. this should be fun! He will be hitting everyone up to buy a ticket for our concert that we will be having. Tickets will be $8.98 a piece and that includes refreshments and mingling before the concert. He is still my sensitive child, so don’t say you weren’t warned if you decline to buy a ticket and he goes into a deep depression. He is still preparing to graduate college at 16 with a Master’s Degree in BeyBlading, he currently holds the championship in our home because no one will play with him.Mason kindly asked me to not put a picture of him on this website, someone might recognize him and he doesn’t want anyone to know that I am his mother. He is so proud of me!

Ethan is proof that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, he is a boy version of me! We are currently taking applications for Ethan’s future WIVES. He started out wanting 4 but after he witnessed one too many emotional breakdowns from me this year, he has cut it down to 2. If you happen to see him with one pant leg rolled all the way up and the other one down, he did that on purpose! He likes to tell his teachers that his mother is an alcoholic and drank way too much while she was pregnant, that was sure a fun one to hear about and get myself out of. No more TV for Ethan.

Sagan is still the Spawn of Satan! If you need proof, come and check out my walls, my couches, my floors, etc…. Our little bundle of joy is enjoying preschool, playing with play dough and taking long walks on the beach at night!

When I asked Lance if he had anything to add to our newsletter, he just wanted me to remind everyone to NOT google “My 3 year olds penis hurts, what do I do” if you have small children in the room.

Happy 2012 to all! Hope you have a fabulous New Year!

Who’s the Moosiest Moose we Know.. Marty Moose!

Have you ever planned something fun with your kids and you talk about it all week-long on how much fun you are going to have, you hold it over their heads and threaten that they won’t be able to go if they aren’t nice and obey. The day has finally come to go and have some fun, you  pack a lunch and gas up the car and head on out. When you arrive at your destination you see this..

I stand there for a moment to soak it all in, looked in the window to make sure they weren’t just kidding! Thinking to myself…  I just drove 33 minutes listening to my 2 older boys talking about how they were going to try a double back flip of the dragon bouncy house and how they were so excited to go miniature golfing by themselves and how they were going to spend their hard-earned  money on a bunch of crap toys and now I have to break the news to them.

There was A LOT of whining and crying, there was even a “ if you were really a good mom, you would have called ahead of time to make sure they were open.”

We get back in the car in an uncomfortable silence, I  offer to buy the kids their own pony to make up for it, but by that time, they had already tuned me out.

It then dawned on me that I knew exactly how the Griswold family must have felt when they arrived at Wally World and somehow it didn’t seem all so bad.
Welcome to Wally World.

(Don’t click on that link if you get offended easily)

I Love Myself!

Each year I look forward to 3 shows that come on TV. I get so excited to watch the ball drop at Time Square on New Years Eve each year although I haven’t been able to stay up and watch it drop in like 15 years, but for some odd reason I still look forward to it. The next one is The Victoria Secret Fashion Show- it makes me realize what I could have been if I had only graduated from High School and the last one is The Barbara Walters most fascinating  people of the year. I can thank her for motivating me to start writing again, I was so disappointed with her choices. Aren’t we over the Kardashians yet, I see nothing fascinating about them and Pippa Middleton, she is fascinating because she looks hot in a bridesmaid dress? Not to mention that Barbara broke the only rule and justified it by saying that rules are meant to be broken. Sorry Babs… sounds like you have some repenting to do!

I decided to write my own list of the top 10 most fascinating people. I know you are dying to hear my list so let’s get started. As you may already know, I have the attention span of a bee. So for the sake of my sanity, I am going to skip numbers 10-5 and just start with # 4.

#4- I started writing #4 on a Monday, it is now Thursday. We are going to go ahead and leave #4 to your imagination and skip to #3.

#3- Well #3  is really starting to get to me. I have so many other things that I could be doing then sitting here thinking of someone that is fascinating to me, so let’s see what #2 bring us!

#2- As you can clearly see, I have come to another bump in my thought process, so I decided to go to a different source to get more information: Enter Mason and Ethan ( age 10 and 8). Let’s find what they have to say.

Me: Ethan, who do you think is one person that is very fascinating?

Ethan: What does fascinating mean and can I have a snack?

Me: Fascinating means someone who is really cool and you may not have any food until you answer my question.”

Ethan: But mom, I am really hungry and I am going to die if I don’t get something to eat right now.”

Me: ETHAN, FOCUS AND ANSWER MY QUESTION.

Ethan: What was the question?

Me: GET OUT OF HERE and NO FOOD FOR YOU UNTIL MORNING.

Here’s Mason’s take on it all.

Me: Mason, you just heard my conversation with Ethan, please just answer my question..Now tell me someone that you think is fascinating.

Mason: Well I would first like to start out with Neil Armstrong, he was the first man on the moon, then you have Bruce Lee, he taught Dad everything that he needed to know about martial arts.. oh and we can’t forget Albert Einstein, he was such a great man and a genius in his time.

Me: Okay Mason, thank you. I think that is plenty.

Mason: But mommy dearest, I have so many more people to name that are fascinating.

Me: okay, give me 2 more.

Mason: Oh Mother, can I please give you 20 more? This world is just so fascinating and has so many wonderful people in it that I just can’t stop at 2.

Me: GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY THE Wii!

So that takes care of #2. Now onto #1

It is really hard to one up Steve Jobs for whatever he did. So you made a few computers and electronic gadgets, that is great! I thought long and hard and I would like to name myself as the most fascinating person of the year. I know it sounds a bit conceded but quite frankly I think that we as parents need to give ourselves a little pat on the back for a job well done, unless your kids are hellions and terrorize the neighborhood and pick on my kids, then you should be ashamed of yourself!

The other day I was getting my kids out of the car, I managed to hold a conversation on the phone with our insurance guy, carry 4 heavy sacks into the house all while yelling at my children in sign language to quit fighting or they were all going to die! Could Steve Jobs do that? It is sad when I take off the sweats and ratty T shirt and put on jeans and a hoodie and my kids get all excited and think that we are going somewhere nice because mom is all dressed up. I don’t take enough time or energy to take care of myself. At times it can be a thankless job. J.D Salinger once said ” Mothers are all slightly insane.” Not sure who he is but I really really like what he has to say.

Have you ever thought of making a top 10 most fascinating list? You should do it and you should put yourself at #1. Write down everything that you love about yourself and how wonderful you are. Make a little vinyl sign that says “you is kind, you is smart, you is important” and hang it on your mirror. ( just don’t admit to anyone that you did that) Man… my therapist would be really proud of me, looks like my sessions are finally paying off. I feel GREAT!

What could possibly make you feel better than getting pampered? One lucky person will win a gift card to Visions Salon and Day Spa in Sandy, Utah along with a gift basket of fun stuff to help you pamper yourself.

Tell me who your most fascinating person of 2011 was  and why in the comment section to be entered. You can say yourself and I won’t think you are stuck up!

This giveaway is valued at $50.00 and will end of January 11th.

This one’s a tear jerker

My perfect children never cease to amaze me on how perfect they are!
A few years back Mason came home from school and told me that one of his friends mentioned to him that they had popcorn for dinner a few nights in a row because they didn’t have enough money for food. He immediately wanted to take them money or food and being the great mother that I am, I ignored it. I guess I had just figured that someone else would help them. I felt a bit of guilt that I didn’t show more compassion for his little friends needs and let Mason show some compassion to them by taking a gift card or food over to their house. It has always bothered me that I didn’t do something.
SO…..
I decided to follow Mason’s example and that we all needed to learn a bit about sacrifice.

A few days after Hurricane Katrina hit, I was watching the sexiest man on TV ( Anderson Cooper) and he was interviewing a little girl, probably the same age that my boys were and watched her cry because she lost her dog. He asked her what it looked like and maybe they could make posters to see if anyone had seen it and help her find it. She started to explain what her dog looked like to him. The mom then whispered in Anderson’s ear that it was her stuffed animal. I lost it.. while I was sitting on my comfy couch watching TV on my big screen TV and eating an Iceberg  german chocolate shake, this little girl who had lost EVERYTHING wanted her stuffed animal and that was it!

” Get off your fat butt Callee and do something.” My kids had 20 million stuffed animals that they couldn’t care less about and would never notice if they were gone so we packed them up and donated them. It felt good. We weren’t in a position to donate money but I had hope that some little kid was happier because they had a stuffed panda bear that had a baseball outfit on!

I let my older boys watch TV, and I pick and choose what I want to shield them from and then I let them see and know about what is going on around the world and in our own country, state and town. We talk about it and by doing that I hope that they understand how lucky they are and that we can’t always do something huge to help but we can do small things to help.

I tell my kids all the time that I am famous because I think that it is important to lie to your children. So after the recent devastation in Japan, Mason and Ethan asked how we were going to help and this is what we came up with and they asked me to use my popularity to spread the word! I can’t let them down and you will feel so awful if you let them down by not going along with my lie!

We set a family goal and we are collecting blankets to send to the kids in Japan. We want to get 50 blankets by the middle of April and then we will donate them to our church, who will send them over to Japan and give them to the children who just need a blanket to snuggle with!

My kids have tied 3 blankets so far and we are hoping to get 47 more! If you want to help or donate we would LOVE it! We can come to your house and pick them up, you can mail them, you can hand deliver them or you can tell me to go to hell! Anyone of those will work ( just don’t do the last option in front of my kids, they will cry.)

I know that there are so many people suffering hardships and there are so many people who need help, so this is a start for us!

We are calling it  “Operation Fat Mom Skinny Mom.”

If you remember my post about trying to be more like Mother Teresa, then I feel it is appropriate to end by quoting her.

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”

She’s pretty famous right?

Music to my ears!

One thing that we love in our house is music. I love singing in the shower, the car and when no one is around, I sing out loud to myself.  I am a closet Brittney Spears and Elvis impersonator as well.

My kids also love listening to music. They know a whole range of songs, some I am ashamed to say that I introduced them to and some that Lance feels it is absolutely necessary for them to know! I remember the day that we were on the way to the hospital for me to have baby #3 and I was yelling at Lance to hurry up as I leaked fluid everywhere and Lance was ignoring me ( as usual) , the kids were freaking out because they thought I was going to die, there was a lot of tension in the vehicle that day and  Ethan yells from the back seat ” Can we listen to some Metallica?” Lance was such a proud father that day. He pumped “From whom the bells tolls” up so loud that we forgot about all of our troubles. It was such a touching time and the family  bonded while listening to Metallica.

Lance and I never had ” a song” that we called our own… some people have THIS as their song, some couples have THIS and if it were up to me, THIS would be our song! But when I asked Lance what he thought we should have for our song, there was not an ounce of hesitation when he blurted out this song.

It was then I knew how much Lance loved me!

Here are some other songs that I can’t seem to forget the memories of!

This SONG makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry!

This SONG makes me want to cut my eyeballs out with an ice pick!

This SONG makes me want to run really really super fast on the treadmill at the gym.

While talking to Mason you feel like you are listening to this  SONG. It just kind of drags on and you feel yourself getting very sleepy!

When you are around Ethan, this SONG would best describe what may be going through your head. You feel like you are on a bad acid trip while listening to him. There is a lot of chaos and you aren’t sure what is going on.

While being in the presence of Sagan, you might hear this SONG in the background. Yep.. that is right, you are officially on the “Crazy Train”- just jump, even if it going 150 mph, you are better off!

Do you have a theme song that best describes you and your spouse or a song that reminds you of something good ( or bad)? Let’s hear them.

My blog can beat your blog up!

” Who the hell do you think you are, MOTHER FREAKIN TERESA???”

That is what Lance yelled to me last night as I was throwing a fit because he wouldn’t let me have money to buy a spa pass for a friend of mine who was having a hard day.

I was  reading on her blog that she was having a bad day because of blah blah blah  and the first thing that pops in my mind was to make her a goodie bag and throw an all day all expense paid gift certificate to an upscale spa to make her feel better. Wouldn’t that make you feel better? Screw the phone call to just make sure that she is okay, I want to give her something!

Okay, so maybe I need therapy. I already checked into it and it will run me about $150.00 an hour for what kind of therapy I need. I would rather buy a spa pass for a sad friend!

When I was in the 8th grade, I went to school that now would be considered in the heart of the hood. I am sure that I had some great experiences during Junior High but the only thing that I really can remember is the day that I got beat up! I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember what I was wearing, what she and her “gang” were wearing, I remember the smell of Aqua Net hairspray in her hair as she tried to hit me. She didn’t like me because I wore a bra! Yep.. she thought that I was just trying to be cool and act older than I was so she took it upon herself to beat me up over that. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but she hit me a couple of times and pushed me down and then walked away. It traumatized me! One of the girls that helped her came up to me a few days later and gave me a stuffed teddy bear and some candy and told me she was sorry. None of those girls ever said a word to me again or bothered me the rest of Junior High or High School.

I have a soft heart for the sad. I instantly want to give you something to make you feel better. I don’t tolerate bullying and mean girls, I will stick up for the underdog if needed. I will take a second mortgage out on my house to buy you something if you need a pick me up, so why in the world do I feel so inadequate as a person?

I am always looking for ways to improve myself and I am beginning to think that buying people trips and making them goodie bags isn’t the way to do that.

Do you ever read someone’s blog and want to throw up? Do you ever just want to call them on their crap?

Do you ever read about people’s lives and are jealous and wish you had it as good as they do?

Do you ever feel inadequate as a parent because your kids aren’t dressed to impress or they aren’t involved in every activity known to mankind?

Do you ever feel like you are a crappy wife because you don’t put your nicest looking mu-mu on when your husband gets home from work and have a hot dinner on the table waiting for him?

Isn’t this the most depressing thing you have read all day long? aren’t you glad that you are reading this right now?

On the flip side.. I love to read about how REAL people are. I love to read about projects that people are doing or what funny things their kids say or the wonderful things that people have going on in their lives, the trips they are taking, the traditions they have, suggestions or tips on how they got through something difficult. I love to read about what inspires people.

I want to show people how important they are to me and I want them to know that they are loved, but do I need to bake them cookies to do that?

When my kids are sad or have had a bad day, my first instinct is to go and buy them something. Maybe if I buy them a Wii game it will take all the pain away and make everything better or maybe I could just give them a hug and spend quality time with them and talk to them about the problem, which one would you want?

The girl who gave me the teddy bear and candy will never know how happy that made me and how much I appreciated her nice gesture. I still hate her and think she is Satan’s spawn but whatever!!!

So if you feel really bad for me then you can either buy me a present to show your love or you can just tell me how wonderful I am. Either way, I will appreciate it. Just please… don’t wear aqua net if you hand deliver my present! I start twitching when I smell it!

Poop is cool! Oh and a giveaway too!

A wise man once said ” Don’t live by ‘You are what you eat’, live by ‘ You are what you don’t poop’”.

I live in a household of boys! I am out numbered even though Lance says that I have enough hormonal breakdowns that could put a girls sorority house to shame.

It never fails that during at least one conversation something about burps, farts, poop, boogers or other disgusting bodily functions will get brought up and then it just a crappy mess from there.

I will admit. I like to poop, makes me feel lighter and I do enjoy the reading that I can catch up while I am in the bathroom. I like poop so much that I used to work in a microbiology lab testing poop for e coli. I worked the graveyard shift so we would have to make things fun with the poop and play little games like ” I spy a pea in the poop” or ” what color is this poop” but anyway…..

We are potty training our little sh#* right now ( sorry mom, I had to do that, it just fit so well with the post) and I am making a big deal  out of him pooping in the potty. We clap, we cheer, we dance around and make happy noises, we give him smarties. It is rather quite the site to see. I want him to get excited about pooping in the potty. Sometimes I scare him with my double back hand spring followed by a round off and jumping into the splits, but I figure that it will scare the poop right out of him. I am tired of diapers and I despise potty training so I just want to get it over with.

Right before I had our first child, I was introduced to these books. I LOVE them and would highly recommend them. They are incredibly funny and my kids love it when I read it to them and make all the funny noises. I read it to them while they are on the potty and it makes us all happy. They are kid friendly but as an adult, I laugh every time I read them. I credit these books to getting me through potty training.

My kids are going to not be so happy with me, but they have all had a hard time pooping because they say it hurts. This is the book I recommend for that.. seriously, the best thing, I love the illustrations in it as well.

Let’s bring back the fun in pooping.

I get to give one lucky person the book “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi. All you need to do is leave a comment on this page about your favorite color of poop! JUST KIDDING… leave any comment you would like. Winner will be chosen on March 12th and just to make things interesting I will pick the winner while I am sitting on the toilet!

By the way.. did you know that everybody poops 410 lbs per year?